Missing.

Lately, I think I can start any sentence with I miss. I miss you. But not you. The idea I had about you in my head. I actually realized I forgot things I used to love about you you. All I have now is the missing objective personal things I want and do not have anymore. I realized this when I took a shower in the morning and the shower gel smelled like you. I had to force myself to remember the happy mornings after shower, with a beautiful light in the window and milk coffee and cigarettes. Watching documentaries, or the big bang theory. Or any other episode we watched together. Then we’d start working on some weekend project while ghem slept on the carpet or was super hyped about something. That cigarette light looked amazing in the morning. I think that’s the only time I ever felt safe and nice. At home in the morning. The whole rest was a problem. But then we’d go to McDonald’s and buy horrible coffee and stare at the young girls passing. wondeful creatures. Or maybe going to the park for a long walk while in a sweet haze. It’s been a while since I thought of these. I mostly missed going away on trips, and me feeling something different than I am now. Or the idea of you. It’s strange that I figured today that it’s fading easily and surely. You’ll be part of the past in no time. And that’s scary and sad and it will always be scary and sad. I didn’t want you to be past, and I still don’t want to. But it’s happening slowly with the certainty of passing time. I know it’s for the best, I am well aware that we were a disaster and would have continued to be. But what if we wouldn’t have been in the end? What if love fixed everything with hard work? I think that idea kept me there with you until I lost all hope. The work seemed too hard to be done by us and the reality felt more visible. I hope to erase this from my mind or at least forget it slowly. I feel better now. Everything is safer, nicer, more rational and understanding, free. But there’s no wide eyed child that gets easily excited. That is what I am missing.

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