Looking through my things

Would like to say…oh my.

Haven’t seen my photos in a long time now. Too long time now. And browsing them has brought a ton of memories, especially emotional memories. There’s a sudden shift in life, from fun and easy and carefree, to heavy, empty and just darn depressing, and have been there ever since somewhat. Somehow coincides with the death of my grandmother and grandfather. No wonder nothing worked, I had lost my mojo, and the background color changed. I wonder what I can do to bring my color back. What color was it? I think it was turquoise and it turned to black-indigo.

Everything that seemed fun between 2008-2014 seems really sad and trying to find something that makes me feel better, but I chose only the worst. Only the things that I ran away from. Too dark, to escapist. Right now it feels like I chose my torment willingly.

I also see how different I have looked and felt with different people around me. 2007 carefree and dreamy. 2008 quite happy but a bit more reserved. 2009-2010 sad and lost. 2011-2012 started full of energy and shininess, just to plummet into incredibly sad and tired. Even in photos I looked mad and irritable. 2014-now fat but more zen, prettier and getting back into what I used to call me perhaps…?

But what will happen to me now? Who am I when I’m me? I have no idea who me is.

 

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