I am afraid that the more ok I feel and am, I lose access to my exploration and discovery and adventure secret place. I used to view my mind as a playground of unexpected thing, and strange feelings, and loved twisting my reality in fun ways. It fueled my creativity. Right now my creativity seems blocked because there is no crazy secret sauce. It’s like I’m selling out, or like I’ve visited all the things in my head that don’t make me ill. It’s less fun and games now, more like finding what the purpose of it all is, and trying to find the interesting bits again. Looking at things with amazed eyes that found adventure and fun. Where did the fun in my head go? I am painfully serious and dull. I lack creativity. 😦
The better I get in skill, the less my mind wonders. Making cute drawings? Just cute. Nothing deep about them.