Protejat: Driving

Acest conținut este protejat cu parolă. Pentru a-l vizualiza te rog să introduci parola mai jos:

Anunțuri

fuck

don’t get why I felt this way. So confused and afraid, childish and immature, but can’t deny how it feels. I just can’t explain it :s 

I’m writing this because I need to know, but my subconscious is again one step ahead of me. I’ll just describe it as best as I can.  Felt betrayed and alone and incredibly sad, but can’t pinpoint the sad for some reason. I tried, I noticed how silly this seems. Not upset about a silly game. I can realize this is silly. It’s a button that has been pressed and I can’t for the life of me get what that button is. I can only presume that it’s about me not being listened to and ignored, but I can’t put my finger on it. I’m sorry

🕒 

escapism

  • naaah

    funny stuff to study

    iti dai seama, deja sunt intr-un loc unde studiez chestia amuzata

    still, e un sentiment palpabil care e wtf! why! this is why i could not break up with him for all that time,

    si nu inteleg de ce!

    mai ales ca studiind asta i got into astrology basically.

    yep.

    nu „asa” tare. just found it, saw it, felt it, si apoi a venit the bulk

    cu hmm

    de exemplu, thinking of it e asa o chestie dark si unstainable

    compelling as fuck, but unsustainable

    si dark si creepy

    no wonder i went nuts.

    i think it cured me in a sense.

    :))) da

    tocmai. the irony.

    era foarte dark ca chestii pe care ma facea sa le simt, si ca escapism

    si amenintator

    dar era o putere acolo, problema mea era ce face cu puterea aia

    the power was freaking awesome.

    ca un laser de-ala de nu stii sa-l controlezi

    si eu eram cumva drawn ca o musca la miere

    din cauza asta

    cumva tindeam sa ajung la darkness, nu stiu de ce as fi facut asta

    what was my motivation.

    probabil eram heartbroken mai de mult, si ca sa nu pierd vreo emotie stateam in my sadness.

    cine stie. distructiva treaba

    si acum overdose de chestia aia, care nu avea o baza de existenta normala si sustainable, si constructiva ma face sa fug mancand pamantul si sa nu mai vreau sa ajung in that darkness ever again.

    dar sunt calma about it, e cumva chill

    i’m chill which is so fun!

    i want happy things!

    😀

    been there, seen it

    lived in it

    i now want to merge i think and build palpable and beautiful things,

    use my power for expanding outward, nu searching things indepth in that sense i used to

drama queening

I feel like I can’t breathe (mostly because I probably ate too much or something). This feeling is produced by having so many things I can’t understand or see in my head, that the system goes quiet and to a halt. I just feel bad without knowing why. That my life is pointless, my decisions are confused and confusing, the reasons for said decisions probably imaginary? my fears overwhelming. 

So which is reality here? this is one of those moments when human contact in its regular form feels like it can’t help me. What I instinctively need is for a hug, and some deep words that remind me that I have purpose and the path is correct. I need a sort of guidance and I don’t know where to get it from. If I only got that, I’m sure my fears would lift and would know with more certainty that you’re my one, my fix. 

in another line of thought, it would be wonderful if you could climb into my mind and be able to untangle it and make me feel better, but I am sure I need to escape the wallow and „I want my psychological mommy”  feelings and be string within myself without crutches. so which is it? a fix or self reliance? both? why? explain. 

Looking through my things

Would like to say…oh my.

Haven’t seen my photos in a long time now. Too long time now. And browsing them has brought a ton of memories, especially emotional memories. There’s a sudden shift in life, from fun and easy and carefree, to heavy, empty and just darn depressing, and have been there ever since somewhat. Somehow coincides with the death of my grandmother and grandfather. No wonder nothing worked, I had lost my mojo, and the background color changed. I wonder what I can do to bring my color back. What color was it? I think it was turquoise and it turned to black-indigo.

Everything that seemed fun between 2008-2014 seems really sad and trying to find something that makes me feel better, but I chose only the worst. Only the things that I ran away from. Too dark, to escapist. Right now it feels like I chose my torment willingly.

I also see how different I have looked and felt with different people around me. 2007 carefree and dreamy. 2008 quite happy but a bit more reserved. 2009-2010 sad and lost. 2011-2012 started full of energy and shininess, just to plummet into incredibly sad and tired. Even in photos I looked mad and irritable. 2014-now fat but more zen, prettier and getting back into what I used to call me perhaps…?

But what will happen to me now? Who am I when I’m me? I have no idea who me is.