Ma simt foarte blank de aproxImativ 2 zile, și nu pot sa ma concentrEz. Nu pentru lucru, nu pentru ieșit. Ma gândesc cu groaza că trebuie sa ies joi din casa, și asta se întâmplă Doar. peste 2 zile. Cred, Oare, ca îmi lipsește niște ghidaj? Simt tot timpul nevoia, și cred ca am adunat mult prea multe lucruri în interioR. Trebuie SA fac curățenie. PoaTE saturn care ȚIpă sa start cleaNing up this joint? Și sunt prea singurA sa Pot sa fac cuRățenie. E plictisitOr fără compAnie.
Simultan mi-e dor de conversație și de Petrecut timpul cu oamen. E greu, E anevoios, și e automat. AȘTEPT sa treacă.
don’t get why I felt this way. So confused and afraid, childish and immature, but can’t deny how it feels. I just can’t explain it :s
I’m writing this because I need to know, but my subconscious is again one step ahead of me. I’ll just describe it as best as I can. Felt betrayed and alone and incredibly sad, but can’t pinpoint the sad for some reason. I tried, I noticed how silly this seems. Not upset about a silly game. I can realize this is silly. It’s a button that has been pressed and I can’t for the life of me get what that button is. I can only presume that it’s about me not being listened to and ignored, but I can’t put my finger on it. I’m sorry
I feel like I can’t breathe (mostly because I probably ate too much or something). This feeling is produced by having so many things I can’t understand or see in my head, that the system goes quiet and to a halt. I just feel bad without knowing why. That my life is pointless, my decisions are confused and confusing, the reasons for said decisions probably imaginary? my fears overwhelming.
So which is reality here? this is one of those moments when human contact in its regular form feels like it can’t help me. What I instinctively need is for a hug, and some deep words that remind me that I have purpose and the path is correct. I need a sort of guidance and I don’t know where to get it from. If I only got that, I’m sure my fears would lift and would know with more certainty that you’re my one, my fix.
in another line of thought, it would be wonderful if you could climb into my mind and be able to untangle it and make me feel better, but I am sure I need to escape the wallow and „I want my psychological mommy” feelings and be string within myself without crutches. so which is it? a fix or self reliance? both? why? explain.
Would like to say…oh my.
Haven’t seen my photos in a long time now. Too long time now. And browsing them has brought a ton of memories, especially emotional memories. There’s a sudden shift in life, from fun and easy and carefree, to heavy, empty and just darn depressing, and have been there ever since somewhat. Somehow coincides with the death of my grandmother and grandfather. No wonder nothing worked, I had lost my mojo, and the background color changed. I wonder what I can do to bring my color back. What color was it? I think it was turquoise and it turned to black-indigo.
Everything that seemed fun between 2008-2014 seems really sad and trying to find something that makes me feel better, but I chose only the worst. Only the things that I ran away from. Too dark, to escapist. Right now it feels like I chose my torment willingly.
I also see how different I have looked and felt with different people around me. 2007 carefree and dreamy. 2008 quite happy but a bit more reserved. 2009-2010 sad and lost. 2011-2012 started full of energy and shininess, just to plummet into incredibly sad and tired. Even in photos I looked mad and irritable. 2014-now fat but more zen, prettier and getting back into what I used to call me perhaps…?
But what will happen to me now? Who am I when I’m me? I have no idea who me is.